In the description of us, on the “About” page, it notes that I am the more dominant personality in the relationship and NW is the more submissive partner. As time goes by, my lack of a submissive nature just keeps being re-affirmed.
That is not to say that we are stopping what is currently going on, or that we have any desire to do so. It is just readily apparent that I am in no way a sub. NW says that I can’t even play one on TV. I can surrender certain aspects. And in our everyday lives, I do just that. There are just some things that NW is more attuned to or has more knowledge concerning. And that works.
As we started this, there was a frenzy of desire and fantasy. We pushed limits wherever we liked and tested the waters. Mind you, none of that pushing was into anything too extreme…at least not to us. But, through it, at best, I felt like I was pampering or going along with NW, not submitting to her, in the classical sense.
For instance, pegging. I did it because NW wanted to do it to me. But, despite not really getting anything physically pleasing from it, I have wanted to explore it. As she told me what to do, to get into position and then did the deed, even without asking…even as I played off of her dominant talk…it still did not feel submissive, even though I was submitting.
Getting caned for being a bad boy? Same thing. The act, itself, is submissive. But it doesn’t inspire a feeling of submission in me. Being fed my own emissions? Ditto… It is happening because it is what she wants. I have fantasized about it, but it is something that I have always been iffy on, in real life. I am doing it to submit to her will, but do not feel beholden, owned or in any other way obligated…outside of me having given my word that she is in control of our sex life. Maybe a good way to put it is that I feel like I am doing this for NW (while absolutely getting something out of it) instead of NW doing it to me. It is fun to play at being under her thumb, even though that is not how I actually feel. In a lot of ways it simply feels like roleplay. I am okay with that. She seems to be as well.
So, it seems that I can get into the part of the “play” that we are doing, at any given moment, but am incapable of getting into the overall mindset that “submission” would imply.
Why? I have no fucking clue. NW says that I am just wired this way and nothing is going to change it. Maybe it is that simple. I will say, though, that the one area where I actually do feel subject to her is the chastity…orgasm control and denial.
It still isn’t to the degree that I think actual submission feels like. But her having that control is important to me…and her. Beyond that, we are having fun. And that, after all, is the whole point. So, not much else matters.
Maybe once the cage gets here it will provide a bit of a tweak. I don’t really see how it couldn’t. Don’t expect anything life altering. It isn’t like we haven’t been there before. But, you never know.
All of that said, I have noticed one very positive side effect, in all of this. NW has become more assertive, in general. Maybe it is that she is becoming more confident? Maybe it is that this is helping her step outside of her comfort zone? Whatever is at the root, she is better able to express herself and less submissive in her dealings, with me and others. That is a very welcome development and one that we will nurture.