NW has decided that I am not going straight back into denial. I assumed I would, but she seems to want a period of “normal” sexual activity, minus the masturbation. So, the orgasm control remains intact, while the denial is on vacation. You would think that I would be overjoyed by this. I can’t say that I am displeased. There does seem to be an unanticipated side effect, though.
My want to masturbate has really risen. I am not talking about just a little bit, but a lot. This want is not in place of having sex with NW, not by any stretch. It is a want that is in addition to that. It is much more difficult to abstain from it than when I was in denial. That would seem contradictory. It is what I am feeling, though.
Why? I have given this much thought and I think that it is an intensity/kink issue. The denial is kinky. The CBT is kinky. The S&M is kinky. The overall levels of arousal drive us to kinkier things. So much intensity in all of it. Yet, now, we have come down off the mountain and are enjoying “vanilla” (for us) sex. It is wonderful. It feels great. But it isn’t kinky, edgy or nearly as intense. Like I said, many posts back, I am addicted to the intensity.
This, I believe, is the place from which the want of masturbation comes. It doesn’t physically feel as good as when I am with NW. But, as I said before, when I am masturbating, looking at porn, I can delve into fantasy. In those fantasies I can do anything I bloody well please, with anyone one that I choose. I can even do things that I would never do in the real world. I can experience, though to a diminished degree, the intensity that is sometimes lacking, sometimes necessarily, in the real world.
So, as I go through this hangover, from weeks of denial and kink, I am craving the intensity that caused it. In the absence of a real world source, my masturbation practices have always substituted, in the interim. Who would have thought that abstaining from it would have been harder when I am able to freely orgasm than when I am denied!? I wouldn’t have. Of course, the interjection of a little kink might soothe it away.