Into the Abyss

As you all know, this blog has mainly been about male chastity and orgasm denial.  For the next few days, that is going to change.  NW has wants/needs and, as dark as they are, we are about to venture to meet them.

As stated numerous times, NW is the submissive personality in our relationship.  We are not in a D/s relationship.  At times, though, we do play this, for a session, or even a day.  The insane levels of arousal that we have been experiencing, of late, have raised the level of her want to near critical mass.  So, starting Tuesday, we are going to revisit her submission and cross into uncharted territory.

NW has fantasized, since before we even met, of being in a relationship/situation where she is completely objectified.  Where she is a slave, devoid of any rights or consideration.  Where she is forced down into the depths of submission, taken to the limits of her comfort/tolerance and pushed right on over them.  She wants to be taken as far as she can possibly endure and then have me continue on.

The thought is it arouses her immensely, but scares her as well.  Likewise, the thought of it generates insane arousal in me, but terrifies me as well.  This is my wife, my lover, my best friend (yeah, and the one who controls my orgasms).  I love her with all of my heart.  I have spent nearly a dozen years protecting her, comforting her, providing an environment to help her leave her past behind and grow.

What she is asking of me is no small thing.  What she desires requires that I put all of that aside and, in essence, become that which I have worked to protect and free her from.  We, or I, will be treading lightly, but carrying it as far as possible.

The duration of this has not been decided.  it will be anywhere from one to three days, depending on how things go.  During this time, NW will be what I call a “slave”, as opposed to a “sub”.  By that, I simply mean that she will be devoid of rights.  The right to complain, to ask for anything, or to be considered, beyond her health…mental and physical.  She will serve my mundane needs.  She will service me, sexually.  She will be bound, used, cropped, caned and flogged, until she begs me to stop.  She will be forced to orgasm until she pleads for it to end.  In neither case, however, will I go easy on her.  To do so would be to fall short of the aim.

How will this play out?  We are not sure.  For once, we haven’t “been there, done that”.  We shall see.

For those of you wondering how this might impact our chastity/OD goals, NW has given me authority to cum as much as I like during this time.  We both feel that it is kind of necessary, and that it is a natural part of the domination.  Why?  Because my semen can be a player in driving her into that submissive mindset.  Not to mention, violating her body with my cock is knid of important.  As it stands right now, though, any penetration is short-lived, because I get so close, so quickly.

That being said, it is my intention NOT to orgasm.  There are a couple of reasons for this…1) I know that, once this is over, I will regret having done it and 2) In order to give this to her, I need to be as aroused as possible.  I cannot muster the intensity necessary for this in the absense of arousal.

Blindsided – The Evolution of NW

NW and I spent a lot time of together, yesterday.  A lot of play was had, as well as a lot of discussion.  But it left me wondering, is this my NW?  Sure…she looks the same.  She smells the same.  She tastes the same.  She is just as horny, is pleasured the same and does the same things to me.  Something is very, very different, however.  It is something that I had not foreseen.  I am not sure that I was prepared for it.  Even now, I find myself being led to it, even as I am too horny to properly evaluate the destination.  What I can say for certain, though, it that I have been blindsided by it.  I am not sure that there is an acceptable path of return.  Most significantly, I am not sure that I will ever want to.

When we revisited the chastity/orgasm control/orgasm denial, it seemed a fun way to add a little extra spark to our sex lives.  Don’t get me wrong, our sex life had been humming along nicely, for a good clip, but some extra passion is always nice.  I had thought about the chastity/OC/OD play, off and on, many times, since we abandoned it, nearly three years ago.  It turns out, NW had thought about too.  She never really had any control the first go at it.  I controlled everything by proxy, through her.  There was never even the illusion that the control was hers.

So, this time, we determined to start it slowly, a day here, a few days there, but to let her actually have the control.  After all, my biggest concerns were/are my health and not getting into a mental funk that killed everything (being happy with it).  Since I knew that NW had the exact same concerns, we were golden.

We discussed this, at length, prior to diving into it.  We wanted a feel for what the other wanted.  We reviewed, with one another, where we thought we had failed three years earlier, and were determined to avoid the pitfalls…communication and an anchor in reality, while staying true to our natures.

My wants were obvious…for NW to have the control.  This would mean that I would need to cut out, or, at least back, on masturbating.  It would mean that I would have to adjust to not having my biggest form of stress relief at hand (pun intended).  It would also mean that I would have to accept the idea that my fantasy required…to give up control.  This seemed rather easy, given NW’s stated wants.  Lastly, in seeming contrast to this, though, I needed to remain the dominant partner, lest it blow up quickly.  When fantasy clashes with reality, reality wins.

NW had a multitude of views and wants from this.  She wanted it to provide a kinky spark to our, already, healthy sex life.  She wanted to taste a little bit of control.  Something that she had never really had.  She did not (and does not) want that control to grow outside of the chastity/OC, because she prefers being the “sub”.  She stated that she was not interested in lengthy denial, as she loves my cock too much to deny it to herself.  Her thoughts were that periods of denial would rarely, if ever, hit even a full week.  This was because of health concerns (again, I am in a higher risk category for prostate issues), because of the fear of pushing it too far and bringing it crashing down, because my happiness was paramount and, as stated, she didn’t want to deny herself.  She saw no purpose to lengthy denial.  She saw no point to ruined orgasms.  It was all a fun means to a kinky end.

So, the stage was set.  She would have control over my orgasms.  I would, at least, cut way back on my masturbating (I think we agreed to no more than once a day, and that in the morning.).  Denial would only last days, occasionally a week, but there would be lots of orgasms.  It was, as laid out, more orgasm control than denial or chastity.

Jump forward to last night.  The rapid evolution of her views/wants were evident during our discussion.  Just reflecting on it makes my cock swell.  I quizzed her about many things.  I probed and prodded, because I wanted to hear the words from her own mouth.  I told her that I was not interested in her fantasy.  I wanted to know what she truly thought, felt and wanted.

I asked her about my masturbation.  It has been nearly a month since I have self pleasured.  But she has consistently said that she has no problem with me doing so, as long as she is not actively denying me at the time.  When pressed, however, for what she truly wants, versus what is acceptable, she told me that she doesn’t want me to masturbate.  I asked for how long or under what circumstances.  Her answer?  “Forever.  I don’t want you to ever masturbate again, as long as you live.”  She was serious.  Included in that, she doesn’t want me to ever self pleasure.  To never touch my cock again, with intent to pleasure

The recent, accidental, ruined orgasms prompted me to ask her about them.  It turns out, she has gone from seeing no point in them to wanting to give them to me.  She says that it is, to her, a near ultimate form of t&d.  It is as close as you can get to a full orgasm, while still being robbed of the pleasure.  Also, it serves a purpose with regard to prostate health, but doesn’t require the pleasure, letdown and release of a full orgasm. 

Add to this our discussion of the denial, and you get a good idea of where this has started heading.  I am now on day eighteen of being denied a full orgasm.  This by the woman who said we would rarely, if ever, go even a week.  On top of that, my next full orgasm is not even on the schedule yet.  Why the change or heart?   Several reasons.  For one, I have not been experiencing anything health related that would necessitate a full release.   Another reason is that she has started to become selfish with this.  By that I mean, she is keeping me as aroused as possible to make sure that I am always ready to play.  Do my feelings matter?  Of course.  But make no mistake, right now, this is about her.  On top of all of this, though, she is becoming addicted to the control/power.  And there is no better way to flex that than to keep me denied.

When you combine these two, however…  We discussed, last night, in  playful manner, the idea of me being denied a full orgasm, and only receiving ruined orgasms, through the rest of the year.  Would it work?  I have no idea.  But she seems to think that she is capable of carrying that out, if she decides to. 

I asked her, given her love of denying me, just to deny me…her love of the control…her keeping me at a peak, for all of the sex that it ensures and the fact that her orgasms are getting more and more intense, the longer I am denied, why would she ever let me have a full orgasm again.  Her answer?  Because I like making you cum.  I love the way your body locks and writhes in pleasure.  But, given the enormous evolution that has already occurred, in a month, will that even matter?  In her own words, “I want to keep you in denial as much as possible.”

Right now, as horny as I am, I want that too.  But “forever” might be sooner than we think.  At current pace, I will explode before long.  And only two things are certain…1) NW is not through evolving and 2) I was blindsided by all of this.

More Than Mere Denial?

In his blog, Robert Anthony mentions a story that he read years ago (here).  The gist of the story is…husband gets caught wanking, by wife.  He is wanking to BDSM/pain play, presumably CBT.  She considers this and decides to give him what he seems to want, but with the condition that it never be discussed or mentioned in any manner.

My reaction was the same as Robert Anthony’s…that’s fucked up.  CBT, like most things, is very much mental.  Could it possibly be fulfilling enough to continue to pursue absent the mental stimulation of even discussing it?  Nevermind the thrill of the wordplay that is normally an integral component.  In relation to CBT, it would definitely lose part of its luster.

Since denial is the main area that NW and I partake in, I, as you would guess, replaced “CBT” with “denial”, while pondering this.  Then it hit me.  Male chastity is a type of submission.  Even if, as NW and I do, you label it “power exchange”, that aspect, in isolation, is unmistakably D/s, even if not carried out in that manner.   Given that I do not think, feel or act like a sub, I missed this the first time through.

Would this not be denial on top of denial?  A more extreme form of denial, if you will?  Every blog I read, denial is discussed, analytically.  Denial is verbalized to tease, torment, emphasize and reinforce.  This is part of the “game”.  It feeds the denial, enhances it, substantiates it.  Talking about it feeds the arousal of both the top and the bottom.  It is a thrill within itself.  It nurtures the mental aspect that is partnered with the physical.

What if it was prohibited, though?  My first reaction was that it would detract from the entire experience.  And it would, for me.  If I were a sub, though, depending on the way I was wired, would this not be the ultimate form of denial?  The denial of not only physical stimulation, but much of the mental stimulation.  Locked away, unable to experience orgasm, erection or even stimulation.  On top of this, there is no means to bring into the world the experiences, wants or emotions that comprise the majority of the experience.

It feels to me like it would almost be a form of abandonment.    Maybe likening it to sensory deprivation would be a better analogy.  To be caged, unable to experience physical stimuli but, also, unable to experience all of the mental stimulation that comes from verbal interaction with your partner.  And in this deprivation, having no means to vent, through communication.  How mind numbing, alone and denied would that feel?

Our “naughty little secret” that we do not mention…

16 Days and Counting

…since my last full orgasm. 

Right now, this is not easy.  The two ruined orgasms I had only served to spike my arousal.  Couple that with the stress of the week and, I am about to go through the roof.  I so wanted to wank it, this morning.  Only because NW was asleep and, therefore, couldn’t do it herself.  I, of course, abstained.

Speaking of, it has been twenty-eight days, marathon aside,  since I last pleasured myself in any form.  Three days to make it the whole month of July.  It was easy at the start.  Honestly, it is easy now, when NW is available to give the pleasure.  When she isn’t, though, the urge is getting stronger and stronger.  Of course, a full orgasm might take the edge off of that.  As it stands, though, I don’t foresee getting one for, at least, nine more days.  But, hell, it could be a month.

NW is so wound up from the stress of the visit.  Her libido has been the highest I have ever seen.  In fact, we had to have a talk about it because every time she was around me she was mentioning sex and going after my junk.  That is all fine and good, but real life does require focus, sometimes.  It is hard to give that when you are in denial and being incessantly stimulated or reminded about it.

As it is, she is, primarily, keeping me in denial to make sure that my libido is as high as possible.  So that I will be ready to “play” at the drop of a hat.  It is completely selfish.  And I am totally loving it.  It is a new side to her, that I have not seen before.  But it is born of her insane want.

In fact, as I type this, I am IMing her.  She is at home, in the bedroom, edging herself.  After a few edgings, when I tell her to, she is going to send herself over the edge and into oblivion.  This is “my” orgasm.  The one that I am so craving.  She is going to have it for me.  Yum!

Does it count?

NW and I discussed several things, last night.  During this, she pointed out that my denial had hit the two-week mark.  I corrected her and said that wasn’t accurate, since I had ruined orgasms on Sunday and Monday.  To which she replied, “those don’t count”.

So that made me wonder.  Do they count?  In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter.  We are doing what we do, by our rules and for our own pleasure.  So, sure, they don’t count and I am now on day fifteen.

For the sake of blogging, though, I think it does kind of matter.  Not in any way that impacts our endeavors, but, definitely,  from the point of consistency.  If you read Thumper’s or Robert Anthony’s blog, and they say they have been in denial for a month, is that without any type of orgasm?  With ruined? With teasing?  Without?

You can obviously get far too granular and never be able to compare apples to pears, let alone apples to apples.  So, what is the consensus?  For the sake of a degree of consistency, from blog to blog, do ruined orgasms represent a breach of denial?

In Love with Ruined Orgasms?

As you all know, I have experienced two ruined orgasms, both inadvertent, during the past few days.  Specifically, both occurred during early evening, one on Sunday and one on Monday.  We managed to avoid it, yesterday.

The first was the result of too much edging, accompanied by me having hit capacity.  The very first drop of, what was supposed to be pre-cum, was milky, full semen.  It was a very interesting event, since I, to the best of my recollection, had never been to a point where I was oozing actual semen, from the very beginning,  I can only assume that I was, indeed, full.  The second resulted from far too much teasing, in a short period of time, followed by a slow reaction by NW.

In both of these cases, stimulation was stopped, three to four seconds before the first contraction.  In each of these, we both sat and watched intently, as the event unfolded, even as I continued to struggle against it.  It had been years since I had experienced a ruined orgasm.  And I loved it!

I described it something like…giving life to an orgasm, only to draw back and watch (feel) it die from neglect.  It was such an unnatural and mind twisting thing to experience.  Unnatural because, an impending orgasm is supposed to be nurtured.  It is supposed to be drawn out, fully.  It is supposed to be continually fed a diet of physical stimulation, mental and physical anticipation, and mental and physical encouragement, that lead to a wonderous and fulfilling eruption.  Instead, in an almost morbid manner, stimulation is withdrawn, anticipation is replaced with loathing and apprehension and what should be encouragement emerges as resistance.

Instead of working things to a natural end, the entire process is sabotaged, but only after its arrival is ensured.  And that, unless these are commonplace for you, is just a mindfuck.  It is difficult to explain what I felt with the first one.  After initially moving to assist it, only to catch myself and pull back, I sat and watched it complete.  I felt loss, frustration, a degree of helplessness and a sense of disbelief.  Coupled with these, though, were a thrill and a sense of naughtiness.  Like I had just watched, and experienced, something special and, in a twisted way, desirable.

With the second one, I made no effort to assist it.  I fought it, just as the first, all the way through.  Looking back, though, I realize that I was, indeed, assisting it..not to fruition, but to ruin.  I felt the physical frustration from it.  I felt the mental letdown.  But I wanted it to ruin as spectacularly as possible.  Part of that was, undoubtedly, from the frustration of going over the edge, unplanned.  My cock deserved to suffer this.  And that was not NW talking.  That was my feeling, in isolation.  But, accompanying this, was again the sense of thrill, naughtiness and partaking in the unnatural. 

It is, in some ways, the ultimate tease.  To be worked up over and over and, finally, granted release.  Your body and mind feel you careening towards the glorious orgasm that is about to erupt.  I mean, for thirty years, orgasms have always been violent, volcanic and immensely satisfying.  Then, right at the pinnacle, with the ultimate pleasure and release at hand, all stimulation is withdrawn and it comes crashing down in ruin.  The cock, balls and prostate struggle to push on, to carry it through to its blissful end…but fail.  Even as they weakly release a portion of what would otherwise have been a spurting, contracting, writhing burst of ecstasy.

And there it is…ruined.  Seeping, pathetically.  Arousal flags for a bit.  Sensitivity is lost.  But there is no fulfillment.  At least, not in the sense that a full orgasm gives.  The arousal will soon return and at a much higher level than before.  Frustration and want are now higher.  My balls, literally, ache from the failed release.  I have no idea why.  Trying to push everything out but failing?  Aching, wanting, denied…

I so love this!  I can’t wait until the next one.