I Didn’t Expect This!

So…yesterday, NW and I were conversing over the internet, as we often do.  We were talking about typical mundane stuff and, eventually, began recounting the weekend.  This is a near daily thing for us.  During the back and forth, I received this IM from her:

“I realized last night, when we were talking about my enjoyment of denying you that it does feel slightly sadistic.  I am taking pleasure in not giving you something you want.  Of course NOT giving it to you is also something you want, so it’s really not sadistic, but I am getting off on the idea of you being wanting and needing.”

When I read that, my cock stirred in its tube.  Did she just say that she was enjoying denying me?  Not the elevated responsiveness…not the insane sensitivity that being denied gives me…not the fact that I am getting harder, and staying hard longer, than I have in years…not simply that she was enjoying giving me something I wanted (which is a necessary part of it)…but that she is enjoying denying me, said in isolation.

That was/is enormous!  Through the first month of this, she has always dwelled on all of the other aspects.  They are important, make no mistake.  For this to truly work for me, though, it requires buy in on her part.  Because if she isn’t getting anything from this play, then I may as well deny myself.  I don’t want to burn energy on this if she is not getting pleasure out of it as well.  If that is the case, I would just go back to wanking it, because that feels better than self-denial.

As the conversation continued, and I prodded for further information, along came this, in response to something that I said:

“Yes, frustration is to be expected with denial.  You want something, something so basic as an orgasm – something everyone can have and does, frequently, and you’ve given that to me.  You want it and I am asking you to wait, just because I want you to.”

Okay.  At this point, my cock is straining hard against the tube and I am in pain, as the fucking ring is too small.  She did it again!  She is getting off on the idea of denial, absent the others.  Why is this such a big deal?  Part of it is obvious.  We all want our partners to take pleasure in that which we do.  We want to give them pleasure.  If that can come about by something that we desire, all the better. 

But the other part is selfish.  My chastity fantasy has two parts.  One part is for the control to be hers, no matter her decision.  The other part is that, at some point, I be subjected to lengthy (what that is is debatable) denial.  That we get to a point where I am truly asking her to allow me to cum, because I don’t want to hold back anymore, and she tells me that she wants me to wait.  That if the decision is truly hers, then I cannot have an orgasm.

That wasn’t going to happen as long as the control/denial wasn’t a facet that she was invested in.  But here we have her openly stating that she was enjoying it.  So , I prodded further.

In essence, she has not allowed herself to become invested in the idea.  She was afraid that she would really get into it and that the control would become the expected norm, for her, but that I might end it at any time.  What then?  She would have primed, and re-wired, herself to have complete control over my orgasms, only to have the rug yanked from beneath her feet.  And, believe it or not, what this really tied back into was masturbation.  Her fear that I would, at some point, burn out on this and revert back to old ways.  When things were not so intense.  And she would find herself left hanging.

She wants the control.  She wants to deny me.  She has bought into it!  Now it needed to be cemented. So, to allay her concerns about reverting back to old ways, I offered her this:

“I am willing to give to you all my masturbation…meaning that I will no longer masturbate…except

1) if you tell me too

2) If you lose interest in sex and you are not meeting my needs

3) you go to visit a monastery for a year and I have no other outlet”

 

This is a big friggin’ deal.  I have, literally, masturbated over 30,000 times, in the past 30 years. (You can do the math.  30 years x 3 times a day (that is an average…and a conservative one, as the reality is between 3 and 4))  But I am as sincere as can be.  She is happier, and our sex life is better, without it.  She did say that, when not into active denial, she has no problem with me doing it in the morning, as an outlet.  I appreciate the option, but hope to never use it.  And I definitely won’t while we are active in the chastity play.

 

Then came the biggie.  I made it sound official to interject a bit of levity, as the conversation had become heavy, to say the least.  The statement is heartfelt, but the edges needed to be taken off, for it to pass smoothly.

 

“I hereby give absolute control over my orgasms to you, to deny them or give them as you desire, until such time, should it ever come, that WE decide to wander elsewhere.

I secretly (not so secret now) hope that this will become habitual for us.”

 

And there it is.  Out in the open for all to see.  It has been said. 

When pressed, she reaffirmed that this is the only control she wants, since she prefers me being in control.  Honestly, I would not be comfortable yielding much more.  It would so screw our dynamic and what we are, not only, comfortable with, but need.

 

It is mind numbing to think that thirty years of masturbation has abruptly stopped.  It is, while nearly orgasmic, scary to start down this path, which is so very different from life as I have known it.  But it is good for NW and, in all honesty, it is good for me.  But the best part is, it is good for us!